One of my biggest regrets of 2014 is the lack of writing I've done in this space. I regret that I didn't do a better job of documenting our family's life. Not having the time to write was certainly a factor this past year. So many things demanded my attention. I never felt caught up. In fact, I constantly felt miles behind. Writing feels like a luxury in many ways and I didn't allow myself to indulge in it. In truth, though, writing, for me at least, is a necessity. I've always processed life through writing. So it also felt very wrong to me--like something was missing--when I didn't write.
To be honest, time wasn't the only reason I didn't write. As Oswald Chambers said, "Sometimes we are put into the shadow of God's hand until we learn to hear Him." This past year our family has been in the shadow of God's hand. I told Matt, "The words just won't come." It has been a year of loss for us.
The beginning of the year through spring, we walked with our pastor through the sickness and subsequent death of his wife. It was a very difficult time. Our hearts ached ( and still do) for pastor and his family. If ever there was a time I doubted the importance of my role as help meet to Matt, I certainly do not doubt it now.
By June, we were graduating our first born. Grace's summer was packed to the brim. Then in September, she started cosmetology school. I've taken to calling her school "work" because that's exactly what it is. She's gone from the house eight hours every day. On the weekends, she's busy keeping up her little photography business and other projects.
Obviously, the loss of older kids is a part of life. It's normal. It's good. But it still hurts. Grace's cheerful countenance is missed around our house. She always has a way of lifting everyone's mood. We are grateful that we still get to see her in the evenings and that we all still eat dinner together as a family around the table every night.
Fall also brought news that Matt would no longer be needed on the project on which he's been working for the past 21 years. So many factors came together in this situation that we can't help but know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Lord is moving Matt out of his current job. Still, the loss has been great. It's been a discouraging time.
Then the beginning of December brought another loss, the loss of another wee one to miscarriage. It's been a rough year. We've been humbled. We've been in the shadow of the Lord's hand. Our pastor recently said something in a sermon that really struck me. He said that the Lord kills us and gives us life again each Sunday. In confession, we recognize our utter depravity, our utter lack. By the time the sermon is spoken and communion is received, the Truth of the Gospel and its deliverance has been given to us once again. That's what this year has been like for our family.
Right now, our family will continue to wait. As our good friend said, "We shall wait on tip toes to see what God will do." For He will do. He is always working on behalf of His people.
“At times God puts us through the discipline of darkness to teach us to heed Him. Song birds are taught to sing in the dark, and we are put into the shadow of God's hand until we learn to hear Him...Watch where God puts you into darkness, and when you are there keep your mouth shut. Are you in the dark just now in your circumstances, or in your life with God? Then remain quiet...When you are in the dark, listen, and God will give you a very precious message for someone else when you get into the light.”
― Oswald Chambers
