Hard Lessons IV

I once heard a pastor on the radio say that when you experience pain, you have a choice. You can either "get better or you can get bitter". Since hearing that message about seven years ago, I've made it my goal not to run from pain, but to let pain do its perfect work in my life.

Throughout my journey of grief over the loss of our child, I have prayed that God would use the pain to teach me. In order for this to happen, I've had to make a conscious decision to experience the pain. Not to stuff it, not to drug it, not to numb it, not to ignore it. Now, I will say there where times I buried my grief in a bowl of chocolate ice cream, but the pain relief was very temporary. Worldly ways of dealing with pain and grief ALWAYS fail. God's ways of dealing with grief are the only ones that work. I constantly poured out my confusion and sadness to the Lord in my prayers. I took my cue from the psalms. I figured if David could let his raw emotions gush forth in his prayers, I could, too.

That's not to say that I'm all better now. I recently learned that female Alzheimer's and dementia patients often talk about miscarriages or the loss of children they experienced earlier in their lives. When all social niceties are lost to dementia, the pain that's long been buried comes to the surface. The loss of a child through miscarriage or death is a pain that will never go away, at least not on this earth.

Thanks be to God that when we are in heaven "he will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. He who was seated on the throne said, 'I am making everything new!" Then he said, 'Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.' " Revelation 21:4-5

Pain is common to the human race. It cannot be avoided. A church near our house has a reader board with this on it: "God never wastes a wound." I have found this saying to be true, especially when I am open to what the Lord is willing to teach me through the painful times in my life.

Hard Lessons III

This past spring, as our family was wrapping up the study of John through Bible Study Fellowship, the Lord revealed more of Himself to me. We spent about three weeks studying Jesus' crucifixion. We studied every gospel account of this historical event, not just the account found in John. I don't think I've ever studied the crucifixion in this manner before and I was really impacted by it.

The Lord showed me in a way I had never understood before just how much He suffered for me on the cross. The mockings, the beatings, the scourgings. His nakedness. His becoming the deepest, darkest sin ever imaginable. All for me, so that I would not have to take the punishment for which I am so deserving because of my sin. I was completely humbled. I prayed, "Lord, I know I have a deeper understanding of your death, but I also know my knowledge of what You endured is only the tip of the iceberg."

Jesus conquered sin and death on the cross. The one verse the Lord had continued to bring to my mind since the miscarriage rang in my ears as I studied Jesus' crucifixion and resurrection.
"Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?" (1 Cor. 15:55)

Near the very end of our study of John, we contemplated the disciple Peter. Peter was sure he was willing to die for Jesus a few chapters back, but then when Jesus was arrested, he denied His Lord three times. However, Jesus restored Peter early one morning on the shore of the lake (Jn 21:15-19). Jesus asked him three times, "Peter, do you love me?" The first two times Jesus asked the question, He used the Greek word "agapeo" for love. Agape love is unconditional love, unhindered by circumstance or others' responses. God possesses agape love for His people. Humans cannot love in this manner, unless empowered by the Holy Spirit to do so.

Peter answered Jesus by saying, "Lord, you know that I love you." Peter used the Greek word "philieo" in all three of his responses to Jesus' questions. Philia love denotes a loyalty to family or friends. Finally, Jesus asks Peter, "Do you philieo me Peter?" Peter, knowing himself and his lack of ability to agape love, answers in the affirmative.

I was so struck by this interchange between Jesus and Peter. I've known for years about the Greek variations of the word "love" that the two used in their conversation with one another. My light bulb moment came when I realized that the Lord was showing me how much I was like Peter. I had spent the entire year of Bible study thinking I was more like the contemplative John, not like the impulsive Peter.

Peter tried to serve the Lord in His own strength. He failed miserably, but the Lord restored Peter. Peter knew his own weakness by the time he had the conversation with Jesus on the lake shore. The Lord showed me that I had been trying to serve Him in my own strength, just like Peter. I'm here to tell you, it doesn't work. Another lesson learned (I'm sure it won't be the last time I have to learn this lesson, though).

I thought ahead to the end of Peter's life. I have known for years that Peter refused to be crucified in the manner of His Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Instead, he insisted that he be crucified upside down. I was cut to the quick as I contemplated this truth. I believe that by the end of his life, Peter could say, "I agapeo You, Jesus." I pray the same can be said of me at the end of my days here on this earth.

Home Grown Dinner

Matt worked really hard this past spring to make four huge raised garden beds for me. He even made a ledge around each one so that I could weed or harvest while sitting down. He and the kids planted vegetable seeds in May.
The other night we had a meal which was mostly comprised of ingredients from our garden. We had grilled zucchini and yellow squash and creamy cucumber salad. We also had some green beans with caramelized sweet onions, crisp cooked bacon and sour cream. Yep, I pretty much rendered perfectly healthy green beans unhealthy, but they were yummy.
Now I'm waiting for my tomatoes to ripen, but so are the chickens. They've already dug into a few green tomatoes to test their quality. I'm not pleased. I planted four different kinds of tomatoes, including an heirloom variety. I've been anticipating their summer deliciousness for over a month now. If the chickens know what's good for them, they'll realize that they had better not get between me and my tomatoes.

Hard Lessons II

The second lesson I learned was this: Satan likes to kick you when you're down. Jesus called Satan a "liar and the Father of lies." (Jn 8:44 ) Satan specializes in shooting his arrows at our weak points and he succeeded (at least temporarily) at hitting a couple of mine.

Satan began to whisper in my ear that the reason I miscarried was because of my own personal sin. I repeatedly begged the Lord to show me what I couldn't see about myself. "Show me my sin, so that I can confess and repent of it." Then one day in my morning Bible reading I read about Joshua the priest in the book of Zechariah.

Then he showed me Joshua the high priest standing before the angel of the LORD, and Satan standing at his right side to accuse him. The LORD said to Satan, "The LORD rebuke you, Satan! The LORD, who has chosen Jerusalem, rebuke you! Is not this man a burning stick snatched from the fire?"

Now Joshua was dressed in filthy clothes as he stood before the angel. The angel said to those who were standing before him, "Take off his filthy clothes." Then he said to Joshua, "See, I have taken away your sin, and I will put rich garments on you." (Zech. 3:1-3)

Satan was right, at least partially. I am a sinner. However, I'm a sinner saved by grace through faith in Jesus Christ. The Lord reminded me of this important truth that morning.

Another weak point for me has been my long held fear of being a bad mother. Since I had my firstborn, Grace, I've been petrified of not being up to the task of motherhood. I constantly ask Matt to correct me if I'm out of line. So Satan began to whisper in my ear that the reason I miscarried was that I am a bad mother and I don't deserve anymore children. I'm not perfect. I lose my temper at times. There are times when I succumb to laziness and don't follow through on discipline. I know I make many other mistakes as a mother. In these instances I ask for the Lord's forgiveness and I pray for strength to continue mothering our children.

It was my dear husband, Matt, who got me to stop listening to the "bad mother" lie. He of all people knows how I labor to be a good wife, mom and homeschooler. He said, "Melissa, they say that the best Navy Seals are the guys that struggled all through the training. Not the guys who got through without a bunch of setbacks, but the guys who struggled all the way through." I thought, "Well I certainly qualify as a 'struggler.' " I've often had to watch my heart and not compare myself to other women who seem to be the perfect wives and homeschool moms. My journey has not been easy, but I have been obedient to the Lord's call and He has blessed our family richly because of it.

The lessons the Lord had to teach me where not yet done. In late spring of this year, the Lord began to show me even more about Himself.

Hard Lessons

The Lord has patiently taught me more and more about Himself this year. It's been a difficult year for our family on many levels, but for me the road of grief from suffering a miscarriage in December has been a long one. I hesitated as to whether to write about these things here, but I'm much better with the pen than I am with my tongue and since this blog has become a journal of our family's life, I have decided to forge ahead.

As I've pondered all that the Lord has taught me this year, I realize that one post on the subject would be more like a term paper, so I plan to divide this post into several smaller posts.

Although I'm feeling less and less need to explain myself and have people understand the reasons behind our family's decisions, I do want to start with a small qualifier. The journey to a large family has been a very long and difficult one for both Matt and me. We've gone from fear to trust, back to fear and then to trust numerous times. Our decisions have come through much time in prayer, studying God's Word, reading books and conversations with other Christians. We do not judge those who have chosen not to/can't have larger families. Our actions aren't meant to offend, but unfortunately, that's how our actions are often taken. Our decisions are between us as a couple and our Father in Heaven.

Now, onto the lessons the Lord has taught me. (Matt has learned other lessons this year, so I won't speak for him, I'll just speak for me.) My first lesson came hard and fast on the heels of my miscarriage. I have a wonderful sister in the Lord who told me that "sometimes the calling can become and idol." At first I didn't understand what she was saying and then I got it. Ouch. I had made a subtle, but very wrong shift in my thinking. I knew the Lord had called us to have another child and my focus was on that, and not on my Jesus. I repented of this before the Lord and I knew I was forgiven. I'd be lying if I said that was the end of that. I'd be lying if I said that I was full of peace and joy from that point on. I wasn't, I was still grieving the loss of our baby. The pain was searing and acute. No one here on earth could help me, not even my husband. Had I not had the Lord Jesus walking alongside me I would have most certainly drowned in my grief.

Yet, I still had other lessons to learn.

Escapee

Earlier this week, Jude was up and wandering around the house around 6:30 a.m. Our house rule is that no one is allowed to get out of bed until 7 a.m. I just figured Paul had gotten Jude out of his crib.

I was awakened about 1 a.m. the next day by the sound of water being dispensed from the water cooler. I figured one of the older kids was up. Matt went to go check it out. It was Jude.

This morning a little Jude boy climbed into Mom and Dad's bed about 4. He nuzzled right into me, put his hand in my sleeve and got comfortable. Matt put Jude back in his crib about 7 a.m. in order to see how Jude was escaping. Jude quickly showed off his best Spider Man maneuver and exited the crib in about three seconds.

We've had problems with crib escapees before, but never this early. Grace was almost three when she began climbing out of her crib. We solved the problem by transitioning her to a big girl bed. The girls taught Joel how to climb in and out of his crib by using his dresser as a step stool when he was almost three. Jude won't be two for another month.

Just when you think you're on your game as a parent, God shows you that indeed, you are not.

Yankee Doodle