Fighting Depression

Last year was a tough one for me.  I had two miscarriages, the second of which was particularly traumatic.   I spent the majority of the year battling depression.  Grief is a part of life, but it's difficult to navigate.  When you start thinking about how much better it would be if you were in Heaven with your babies than it is to be down here on Earth, living the life the Good Lord gave you, you know you're depressed.  It's a scary place to be.  I didn't handle my depression perfectly by any means, but here's what I did do to combat it.
1.  Read my Bible daily.  This is a habit I picked up years ago.  New habits are very hard to form when one's life is turned upside down.  I'm quite sure I couldn't have started the daily habit of reading a few chapters a day had I not already had the practice ingrained within me.  Now let me say this--I didn't feel like reading my Bible, but I did it anyway.  Most days I was merely going through the motions.  I rarely felt the presence of God while reading my Bible.  However, I was replacing my own messed up thinking and the Devil's lies with God's truth.  My daily Bible reading kept me from going completely off the deep end.  I've mentioned before that I use Oswald Chambers' My Utmost Devotional Bible.  It's a no brainer for me first thing in the morning.  I don't have to follow some complicated reading plan, I just open it up and start reading where I left off the day before.  Providentially, I read the book of Job again during this difficult time.  For the first time, I felt like I could completely relate to Job.  But through all of his troubles, he never once denied His Lord.  Job clung to Him against all hope.
2.  Prayer.  Again, I didn't feel like praying, but I did it anyway.  My prayers were simple.  "This really hurts, Lord."  "I don't like this, Lord."  "Show me how to accept this, Lord."  "This hurts.  It really hurts."  Pouring my feelings out to the Lord was helpful.  I knew I could say anything to Him and I pretty much did.  Most days, I didn't feel like I was getting anywhere, but I kept praying, especially during the middle of the night, the only time the house is quiet and therefore, I am, too.  I know I also had many people praying for me.  I know their prayers availed much on my behalf.
3.  Dumped the Diet Coke.  This was HUGE for me.  I had had a daily Diet Coke habit for years.  I knew it wasn't good for me, but I drank it anyway.  I always had a bit of a downer around lunch time and a Diet Coke gave me a little lift.  Problem was, that Coke was usually accompanied by a headache an hour or two later.  Then I'd often drink another one before dinner, just to get myself through dinner prep.  All the latest news on the horrors of diet pop did nothing to dissuade me from drinking it.  There was no way I could be a Mommy without it.  I was hooked.  I went off of it cold turkey.  I haven't had a sip of pop for over a year.  I can't believe I just wrote that.  With what did I replace it?  Water, mostly and tea.
4.  Exercise. I'm sure I would have benefited from a hard core exercise program, but that was too daunting for me to implement in the mental state in which I found myself.  I knew if I just got my heart rate up for a little bit of time each day, I'd be better off.  I also knew that getting some endorphins going would help me fight the blues.  After I was physically recovered enough from each miscarriage, I started walking on the tread mill in the mornings.  Again, I certainly didn't feel like doing it, but I made myself do it anyway.  I watched half of an episode of All Creatures Great and Small (25-30 min.) then hopped off.  Not too much time was taken out of my day and the kids couldn't get into too much trouble in that amount of time.
5.  Talked to my mom.  Last summer, when I was going through the uncertainty of early pregnancy and then through a long, drawn out miscarriage, I talked with my mom every day on the phone.  I wouldn't have called her in the state I was in.  She made a point to call me.  Every.  Single.  Day.  She's had her fair share of miscarriages, so she knew what I was going through.  It helped to talk.  And cry.  It really helped to have her point me to the sovereignty of God and to His faithfulness.
6.  Got some sunshine.  Every day, I made an effort to get outside.  Usually in the late afternoons, after quiet time, I'd head out to the back porch and sit in my rocking chair.  Elizabeth made me a Chai latte (sweetened with Stevia) and I let the sunshine get into my eyeballs.  This was usually the time I talked with my mom on the phone.  The small respite gave me the energy to tackle dinner and the evening routine.
7. Listened to music.  I've written about this practice before, but it stands to be repeated.  I didn't let myself listen to secular music during this time of depression.  I only listened to God's music, mostly hymns.  The words of the old hymns are deeply theological and are balm to a wounded soul.  The CD I listened to over and over again was Stuart Neill's Of The Father's Love.  Again, I was replacing untruth with truth, which is vitally important in the battle against depression.
8.  Took my vitamins.  I've taken a multi-vitamin, vitamin C and vitamin D3 for years.  However, I added, on the recommendation of my doctor, Methyl B-12 (taken sublingually) and Deplin (L-methyl folate). I get the Methyl B-12 at the health food store.  Deplin is a prescription and contains the active form of folate.  My doctor estimates that up to 74 percent of women are affected by their body's inability to properly process folate (a B vitamin found in some foods and multi-vitamins), which is needed for the body to produce glutathione (an antioxidant the body uses to rid itself of toxins).  A mutation in the MTHFR gene causes fatigue, brain fog, joint pain and blue moods.  A blood test confirms whether or not the gene mutation is present.  Deplin has been a life changer for me.  I've actually been on Deplin since I had my 6 week postpartum check after I had Isaac.  I told my doctor that I didn't realize just how crummy I was feeling until I started taking the Deplin.  That's why I drank Diet Coke for years.  I was trying to combat the fatigue and brain fog that always plagued me.  My doctor upped my dose of Deplin after the miscarriage I had in February last year.  I'm convinced it was key to keeping me from completely losing my sanity.  A caveat--most insurances won't cover Deplin.  The same form of folate is also found in Neevo, a prescription prenatal vitamin. It's also available at some pharmacies in their vitamin sections.
9.  Practiced contentment.  Last summer while I was at the Food Conference and everyone made a beeline to Michelle Duggar after the ladies' tea. I headed straight to Beall Phillips.  I knew she had had a couple of miscarriages and I wanted to ask her about how she handled them.  I told her that I had suffered a miscarriage the previous February (I didn't know it yet, but I was pregnant again and would miscarry again) and that I was really having a hard time dealing with it.  She told me, ""You can be working towards a solution to your problem, you
can be praying about a solution to your problem and at the same time
you can be content."  She recommended that I look up a hymn called, "Whate'er My God Ordains is Right"
and also that I read a book written by a Puritan, Jeremiah Burroughs,
entitled, The Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment.  This book is not light reading.  It's a thin book, but I have yet to finish it.  However, it's good--really good.  "I have learned to be content in whatever state I am. (Phil. 4:11).
10.  Praise and thanksgiving.  I had to force myself to do this one as well.  I certainly didn't feel like praising and thanking God, but I made myself do it.  The attitude (or feelings) follow the action.  I read Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts a couple of summers ago.  She encourages the practice of writing down the gifts that God has bestowed upon you.  This felt a little juvenile to me, like some elementary school assignment.  However, when I actually did it, it began to change my thinking.  God really was faithful.  He really was taking care of me.  He really had not forsaken me.  In my Bible study this past year, the Lord has shown me over and over again as verses keep popping off the pages of His Word that the key to joy in all circumstances is praise and thanksgiving.
Things I should have done, but didn't.
1.  Eliminate sugar from my diet. Our family has come a long way in the last few years in eliminating most processed foods from our diets, but sugar has not been one of those eliminations.  Store bought confections hold no sway over me, however, my daughters' homemade goodies get me every time.  Grace worked on a cinnamon roll recipe for an entire month not long ago and of course I had to taste test all her trial runs.  I know that kicking the sugar habit would have improved my mood.
2.  Journal my prayers.  I have kept a prayer journal in the past and it was one of the most spiritually enriched times in my life.  I got out of the habit and haven't made the effort to reinstate it, but I know from experience that the effort would have yielded much fruit.
During the months of my depression,  I did most everything I could have done to battle the blues.  God certainly cannot be discounted for the part He played, however, and neither can my husband.  Matt provided unending encouragement, support and unconditional love (even when I wasn't very loveable).  And without God's grace, His unconditional love, the covering of His feathers, I wouldn't have fared as well as I did.  When I realized my strength was not sufficient to figure everything out on my own,  I finally came to a place of surrender and dependence on the Lord, which is exactly where He wanted me.  I never came to a point where I  understand what the Lord was doing in my life, but I trusted Him who is faithful, who never forsakes those He loves.