Hard Lessons

The Lord has patiently taught me more and more about Himself this year. It's been a difficult year for our family on many levels, but for me the road of grief from suffering a miscarriage in December has been a long one. I hesitated as to whether to write about these things here, but I'm much better with the pen than I am with my tongue and since this blog has become a journal of our family's life, I have decided to forge ahead.

As I've pondered all that the Lord has taught me this year, I realize that one post on the subject would be more like a term paper, so I plan to divide this post into several smaller posts.

Although I'm feeling less and less need to explain myself and have people understand the reasons behind our family's decisions, I do want to start with a small qualifier. The journey to a large family has been a very long and difficult one for both Matt and me. We've gone from fear to trust, back to fear and then to trust numerous times. Our decisions have come through much time in prayer, studying God's Word, reading books and conversations with other Christians. We do not judge those who have chosen not to/can't have larger families. Our actions aren't meant to offend, but unfortunately, that's how our actions are often taken. Our decisions are between us as a couple and our Father in Heaven.

Now, onto the lessons the Lord has taught me. (Matt has learned other lessons this year, so I won't speak for him, I'll just speak for me.) My first lesson came hard and fast on the heels of my miscarriage. I have a wonderful sister in the Lord who told me that "sometimes the calling can become and idol." At first I didn't understand what she was saying and then I got it. Ouch. I had made a subtle, but very wrong shift in my thinking. I knew the Lord had called us to have another child and my focus was on that, and not on my Jesus. I repented of this before the Lord and I knew I was forgiven. I'd be lying if I said that was the end of that. I'd be lying if I said that I was full of peace and joy from that point on. I wasn't, I was still grieving the loss of our baby. The pain was searing and acute. No one here on earth could help me, not even my husband. Had I not had the Lord Jesus walking alongside me I would have most certainly drowned in my grief.

Yet, I still had other lessons to learn.