Something I've observed since my miscarriage in December is the different ways that people respond to someone who is grieving. I've had people offer me unhelpful comments like, "It was God's will, " or "Be happy with what you have," or "You may not be able to have another child." Others would say nothing, not acknowledging my pain in any way, which was equally unhelpful.
The most helpful things people said were simple things like, "I'm sorry," or "How are you doing?" I ran into a good friend in a parking lot one night shortly after the miscarriage. As we shivered in the dark and snow, I told her what had happened. She said, "Boy, you sure are going to have a glorious Home-going, aren't you?" She instantly focused my mind and heart on the eternal. Now that was helpful.
It was also helpful for me to recall what my dear friend Jenny (now in Heaven) said to me after my first miscarriage several years ago. She said, "Melissa, that baby was tucked up under your heartbeat and then went straight to the arms of Jesus." I knew that if she was still here on earth she would have had the same encouraging words for me this time, too.
I had another friend who called regularly to check on me. She listened to me pour out my emotions over the phone. I'm sure it was difficult for her, but she persevered and walked the road of grief with me for months. She helped me.
Others gave me a loving word of rebuke when I was on the pity pot and I needed to refocus my mind on the abundant blessings the Lord has given me. Still others just gave me the space and time that I needed.
I've just recently finished a book that has been very helpful to me. It's called I Will Carry You by Angie Smith. Angie is the wife of Todd Smith of the Christian singing group, Selah. She found out when she was eighteen weeks pregnant with their fourth child that she was carrying a baby that was "incompatible with life." Instead of aborting that baby, she chose to carry her. After their baby girl was born, Angie and the family held and cuddled her for two hours in the hospital before she went to be with Jesus. I can't imagine going through what this family went through. Angie gives all the glory to God in her book.
One bit of advice Angie gives to those who are trying to help someone who is grieving is this, "Grief is a winding, nasty road that has no predictable course, and the best thing you can do as a friend is to show up for the ride. You cannot rush grief."
"You cannot rush grief." How true. There were so many times after the miscarriage when I got so frustrated with myself for not "getting over it." I felt like my family had taken my roller coaster of emotions long enough and I just needed to "get it together," but I couldn't. Grief is a process and it's not a linear one. Two steps forward, three steps back. My Jesus and my husband could not have been more patient with me. I needed grace and I got it. Praise be to God.
Even though there were many times in the months and weeks following the miscarriage that I didn't feel like reading my daily Bible passages (I use the Oswald Chambers one year devotional Bible), I made myself do it. In times of grief, it's not only helpful, but vital to replace the world's wisdom and satan's lies with God's truth. God is good, all the time. That is truth.
Music also ministered to me during the grieving process. Specific songs that helped me were: Randy Travis' Oh Death, Through the Fire and We Fall Down (here is another version, I prefer Randy Travis' version). Selah's You Are My Hiding Place, Before the Throne of God Above, I Have Decided, Press On and I Will Carry You (Audrey's Song).
The Lord has been faithful to me during this trial, as He has been during all the trials of my life thus far. He will continue to be faithful to me in the inevitable trials that lie ahead for me. Here ends this series on "Hard Lessons." Let me be clear--I'm not saying, "I've arrived and I've got it all figured out." (In fact, just yesterday I burst into tears at the thought that had I not miscarried, I'd be holding a newborn by now.) Nor am I judging others, I'm simply relaying my own experience and trying to bring glory to Jesus in the process. Soli Deo gloria (glory be to God alone).
(To see the other posts in this series, click here, here, here and here.)
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