This is a post I've had running about in my brain for quite some time. I've been hesitant to write it because in many respects, I'll be treading on holy ground if I proceed. However, after much thought and prayer, I've decided to write it in the hopes that God will get all the credit and all the glory.
This past year has been quite the journey for me, suffering a miscarriage right before Christmas of last year, then finding myself pregnant and ready to deliver at Christmas time this year. As I explained in the "Hard Lessons" posts of this blog in July and August of 2010, my Jesus has been beside me every step of the way. Three women from the Bible have also helped me navigate my way through this journey--Mary, the mother of Jesus, the Shunammite woman and Sarah, the wife of Abraham.
Mary has influenced me greatly. Her absolute obedience and complete trust in the Lord is nothing less than astonishing to me. She trusted God fully and waited for His planned outcome for her situation. She didn't ask for all the details to be laid out in front of her before she obeyed, she just obeyed. As I waited for days in between doctor's appointments last December to get to the bottom of whatever was going on with my body, I found myself repeating her words over and over again to the Lord as I prayed, "Let it be done to me as you have said." Of course, after I found out that the pregnancy would not continue, I was devastated, but Mary's words still echoed from my heart in prayer, "Let it be done to me as you have said."
I think that in many respects I went into survival mode to get through Christmas last year, but after Christmas the grief really hit hard. And here's where the holy ground part comes in. One morning, at the end of December (I wish now I would have written down the exact date), I was reading my Bible and praying per my usual routine. I was crying out to the Lord in sheer pain. That's just where I was at that time and I needed to do it. Just then, a voice broke in and said, "By this time next year you'll be holding a baby in your arms."
I reacted instantly by saying, "Lord, don't say that to me!" The thought of the possibility of becoming pregnant again and risking losing another child was absolutely terrifying to me at that moment in time. In this way, I could relate to the Shunammite woman.
The Shunammite woman asked her husband if she might make a room in their house for the prophet Elisha, so that whenever he came through town, he might have a place to stay. Elisha wanted to do something to repay the woman for her kindness towards him and his servant, Gehazi. Gehazi said to Elisha, "Well, she has no son and her husband is old." So Elisha called the Shunammite woman in and announced to her, "About this time next year, you will hold a son in your arms."
" 'No my Lord,' she objected. Don't mislead your servant, O man of God!' " This woman had buried her desire for a child so long, that she dared not even think of the possibility. However she did conceive and give birth to a son about a year later, just as Elisha had said. (2 Kings 4:11-17)
My reaction to the Lord's words to me that morning last December were much the same as the Shunammite's. I couldn't even tell Matt about my experience for several months. I just held it to myself. I began to doubt whether I had heard the Lord correctly as month after month past without my becoming pregnant. At this point, I began to relate very much to Sarah.
I had always been so hard on Sarah, thinking she was quite the failure for not believing God's promise to her that she would bear a son and then taking matters into her own hands by employing Hagar to have a child for her. However, with each passing day, I began to understand Sarah and her desperation more and more (except for the giving my husband to another woman part :) Although I recognized my impatience (and Sarah's impatience) as sin, I also took comfort in knowing that Sarah is remembered in the "Hall of Faith" (Heb. 11:11).
When I finally did become pregnant, it was a complete surprise. I showed Matt the positive pregnancy test and we both broke down and cried. When I went to the doctor for my first ultrasound and found out my due date was Dec. 31, I cried. God was doing what He told me He would do.
And so here I am, Christmas time 2010 and I can hardly believe the place to which the Lord has brought me in this past year. I've come full circle, back to Mary--and not just the being "great with child part," :) but the obedience and trust part. Every ultrasound, every test and almost every doctor's appointment during this pregnancy has caused me worry. Could something be wrong? What if something does go wrong?
It is then that I remind myself of Elizabeth's words to Mary, "Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished!" (Luke 1:45). As I type this, baby Isaac (the child God promised to this old couple) is moving in my womb. How amazing is that? Only God could do it. Soli deo gloria.
Related posts: Hard Lessons, Hard Lessons II, Hard Lessons III, Hard Lessons IV, Hard Lessons V, Joy Cometh in the Morning, His Name Is. . .
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